Researchers, bless their hearts, scientifically study lots of forehead-smackingly obvious questions. “Do high heels make your feet hurt?” “Do men like boobs?” “Is it smart to let your teen text and drive?”
This one, though, caught my attention: Can men and women just be friends?
I’ve been curious for a while what men really think on the topic, and was saddened but not shocked to see the result of a systematic analysis. Men aren’t really interested in having female “friends” per se.
Scientific American reports that a series of investigations has lead researchers to conclude in essence, “no.” Men are often attracted to their female friends, and would have sex with them given the opportunity. [Bhwam Bhwamm.] According to the article,
“These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships … This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.”
Anecdotally, this isn’t a shocker. Some guys will talk about how they’re only “friends” with women they’re attracted to (i.e. they’re just pretending to be friends with the hope of eventually getting her into bed). Some guys, however, are good at disguising this as “friendship”, and I’ve had female friends describe horror when a close male pal and confidant puts the moves on them. (Of course this isn’t always genuine and they really should’ve seen it coming, but that’s a different story.)
This topic gets me every time. I really value and adore my male friends and co-workers. But, I have to be a realist, and I’ve heard male friends talk about their sex drive enough to know that if a half-decent female specimen is around, their sex drive is, too.
But, even if there is some form of sexual attraction — Does this mean two people can’t be “just” friends? Or, does that mean that they aren’t friends?
A lot of people will immediately leap to the answer, “No. They can’t be friends, because sex will always be a factor.” Maybe true. But I’d like to point out that guys are often willing to sleep with girls even if they don’t like or aren’t particularly attracted to them. It’s called hormones. It’s called alcohol. It’s called a dry spell. It happens. So, the fact that they’ll sleep with their friends isn’t earth shattering, right? They’ll sleep with people they are or are not attracted to, and then move on.
Secondly, even if guys do always want to have sex the willingness or desire for something isn’t an end-all for other alternatives. I’d love for my lawyer friends to give me free legal counsel for the rest of my life. If they offered, I’d probably hit that. Does that mean that we aren’t friends? No. It might mean I’m a bad person, but I don’t think that the fact that I would if they offered means that we’re not friends.
Maybe it’s too much to hope for, but I’d like to think that the men in my life would be there with or without a sexual component. Maybe this study is flawed. Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe it doesn’t matter either way. Maybe it is what it is.
Someday, though, I’d like to take testosterone — just for a few weeks — just to see what its like — and see what the HECK is going on in their minds.
Filed under: Reality, Research
